When Grit Isn’t Enough: Understanding Trauma and True Resilience

We live in a world that loves simplicity. From streamlining our schedules to summarizing complex ideas in a few words, we’re always looking for ways to make life easier to understand. And while simplicity can be helpful, it also has its limits—especially when it comes to tricky topics like trauma.

Trauma isn’t something we can neatly categorize or reduce to a single definition. Yet, our brains naturally try to make sense of it, often assigning labels or creating shortcuts to explain what it means.

Here’s the catch: as soon as we hear the word “trauma,” many of us have an immediate reaction. Maybe it brings up thoughts of extreme events like war or natural disasters. Perhaps you picture a particular moment from your own life. Or maybe you think, “my life isn’t that bad compared too…”

But what if we got curious? What if we took a deeper look, beneath the surface?

Defining Trauma

Trauma is often defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. But that definition doesn’t quite capture the full picture.

At its core, trauma is less about what happened (the event) and more about what happened inside of us. Trauma is the brain and body’s way of protecting you during a time of overwhelm. It creates an imprint on the brain, leaving behind patterns that shape how we think, feel, and react.

Importantly, trauma isn’t just caused by dramatic, life-threatening events like natural disasters or abuse. It can also stem from quieter, everyday moments where we felt unseen, unsupported, or unsafe. Where there wasn’t an empathetic witness to our suffering.

Now pause and think about this for a second. If trauma is determined by how the brain and body respond—by the impact rather than the event itself—then does the idea of "push through," "grit," or "bear it" really do anything? Nope.

In fact, those approaches often reinforce the stress and prevent healing because they ignore the imprint left behind on the brain and body. Trauma isn’t something you “power through”—it’s something you process, release, and heal.

Small “t” Trauma and Big “T” Trauma

To understand trauma more fully, it helps to think of it in two broad categories:

Big “T” Trauma
These are significant, life-altering events that often threaten your physical safety or sense of security. Examples include:

• Surviving a car accident.

• Experiencing physical or sexual abuse.

• Being in a war zone or natural disaster.

• Experiencing a birth trauma or anything related to the fertility journey

Big “T” trauma is what many people think of when they hear the word “trauma,” and it’s often linked to conditions like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Small “t” Trauma
These are less obvious but just as impactful—if not more so—when they happen repeatedly over time. Examples include:

• Being repeatedly criticized or dismissed as a child.

• Experiencing social rejection, like being excluded or bullied at school.

• Struggling with chronic stress at work or in a toxic relationship.

The Research: Studies have shown that repeated small “t” traumas can actually have a greater long-term impact on the brain than a single big “T” trauma. When the brain is exposed to ongoing stress without an opportunity to recover or process, it becomes wired for survival, constantly on high alert. Over time, this can lead to issues like chronic anxiety, depression, and difficulty trusting others.

PTSD, Complex Trauma, and Vicarious Trauma

Trauma affects everyone differently, but there are three specific types of trauma that are worth understanding:

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
PTSD occurs when the brain and body remain stuck in survival mode long after the traumatic event is over. It can feel like the trauma is happening in the present moment, even if it occurred years ago.

Common symptoms of PTSD include:

• Flashbacks or intrusive memories.

• Avoiding reminders of the trauma.

• Hyper vigilance (always feeling on edge).

• Emotional numbness or disconnection.

PTSD often stems from big “T” traumas, but small “t” traumas—especially when repeated—can also lead to similar symptoms.

Complex Trauma
Complex trauma occurs when someone experiences repeated or prolonged exposure to trauma, often in relationships or environments that were supposed to feel safe.

Examples of complex trauma include:

• Growing up in an abusive or neglectful household.

• Being in a controlling or abusive relationship.

• Living in unsafe environments for an extended period of time.

Unlike PTSD, which is often linked to a single event, complex trauma is the result of patterns of traumatic experiences that shape how we see ourselves and the world. It can lead to struggles with trust, self-worth, and emotional regulation.

Vicarious Trauma (Secondary Trauma)
Trauma doesn’t always have to happen directly to us to leave a mark. Vicarious trauma occurs when we absorb the stress, pain, or suffering of others—especially when we are repeatedly exposed to it.

This type of trauma is common for people who work in caregiving, helping, or frontline professions. Examples include:

• First responders and police officers who witness distressing scenes or hear traumatic accounts while on duty.

• Healthcare providers who see patients in pain, repeatedly experiencing life-threatening conditions or loss. Being threatened by clients during a shift.

• Therapists and social workers who listen to stories of abuse, loss, or extreme hardship.

• Parents or partners who emotionally support a loved one experiencing trauma, especially when they feel helpless to "fix" the situation.

Vicarious trauma doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong—it’s a reflection of your empathy and human connection. But if left unaddressed, it can create symptoms similar to direct trauma, such as emotional exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, or even avoidance of situations that remind you of the pain you’ve absorbed.

A Personal Discovery of Trauma

When I was in grad school, we had a course on trauma. Our instructor was incredible in her teachings, having spent many years working in the field, but she was also very rigid in her belief that only people who specialize in trauma should work in this area.

I remember leaving that class terrified to ever work with trauma. Instead of feeling curious about what courses I could take next to deepen my learning, I thought, I am never going to work with trauma. Ever.

I laugh at that now because, as I began my career in private practice, I realized that every single person who walked through my door was holding trauma. It wasn’t always the big, dramatic events I had imagined—so often, it was the smaller, quieter experiences that created suffering.

I knew that if I wanted to truly help people, I needed to equip myself to work with trauma. At this point, I understood that I had experienced a big “T” trauma with the passing of my dad to cancer when I was 18. But I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side of “equipping myself.”

As I dove into the work, I began learning about big “T” and small “t” traumas and how trauma often happens when there’s no witness—when no one is there to help us process or hold space for our pain. Slowly, many small “t” traumas from my own life revealed themselves. And none of them looked like what I had been taught to think of as trauma.

The good news is, that uncovering and working through my traumas didn’t take me out. I survived. It’s the work I’ve done in the trenches, both personally and professionally, that shaped my life’s purpose. The business I’ve built, and the support I now provide—all grew from this journey of facing and healing my pain.

Trauma Is Part of the Human Experience

Trauma isn’t a sign of weakness, nor is it something to be ashamed of. It’s a reflection of how deeply our brains are wired for survival.

But just as trauma is part of being human, so is healing. By understanding trauma—what it is, how it works, and how it impacts us—we can bring the unconscious to the surface. Knowledge is power. Therefore the more we know and understand, the more power we have to take action to change our lives. As Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better. Do better!